There is a question that makes my blood boil. It turns my insides out, it makes me clench my fists and my teeth. It is a question asked by men and women…but it’s usually only directed at women.
It’s a question that is selfish. Rude. Inconsiderate. Abhorrent. Nosy.
The question is, “When are you going to have a (another) baby?”
Perhaps, to you, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with this question. Perhaps you are a regular asker of this question. If you are, you need a heavy-handed reminder of why you have no right to be asking this.
I am guilty of opening my mouth and feeling the words spill out. It’s almost indoctrinated into our DNA to check on people’s milestones – When are you going to get engaged? When are you going to get married? When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to add a sibling? When are you going to die? Am I mentioned in your will? It’s never-ending.
So why is this question so bad?
This question can be heartbreaking
The question, perhaps innocent in its intent, is demeaning to women who are struggling to conceive.
- Imagine, for the 12th month in a row, the pregnancy test has been a negative. You turn wearily to your partner, your heart at your feet, that pounding thud in your mind that beats “there is something wrong with you” and you show them yet another broken dream.
- Imagine you have just experienced a miscarriage. It is so fresh that you are still wearing sanitary pads. Someone, a friend, a family member, a random stranger asks you “So when are you two going to finally try for a baby”. You feel the uncomfortable dull ache in your womb and you wish to scream “I did try, and now what’s left is collecting in my knickers!“
When you ask this question, you have no idea what that person is going through. You have no idea how many tears they have shed over one blue line, over a scan that didn’t show a heartbeat and upon looking back into the toilet and seeing the first drop of blood.
When you miscarry, you feel labour pains, perhaps not so severe – that totally depends on the woman and how far along the miscarriage happens. When it happened to me, I lay on my couch with a hot water bottle feeling my body contract and remembering that the last time this happened, I was pushing out the most beautiful girl in the world. Continue Reading…