It’s funny, but I still feel like there’s a lot of parental judgment going around. The need to still look at someone’s parenting style and make comment is STRONG. Even more so is the ease in which we can look at a mother (and a father) and pity them, especially if they don’t fit this new (Instagram) model of being super skinny, constantly smiling, and looking like they’re heading to an award show at any second.
So, because I’m all about helping my fellow men, I want to make sure that everyone is doing their judgmental duty properly and to assist you with your daily eyebrow raising and “I wouldn’t do that” comments, here’s my handy guide on how to successfully judge other parents:
- Dress the part. Being a mum is a biological norm which means that it’s naturally built into women and is therefore a peace of cake. To see a mother looking tired and shabby is unacceptable and should be frowned upon. If one of your friends hasn’t washed her hair in a week and smells like sour milk, shun her immediately. Just like a lioness, you should be preened and ready to meet the king of the jungle at all times. No makeup? No acceptance. Sweatpants and baggy tops? Hell no. I guarantee you that your friends will appreciate you telling them that they look like the rear end of a warthog, especially if you don’t have kids of your own.
When I drop my kid off at playgroup, aside from always wearing a full face of makeup, I make sure that my baby looks like she just rolled out of a Gap Kids commercial. If another parent falls out of their car in their pjs, I swiftly push them back into the vehicle and hold the door closed until they relent and drive back home to change.
- Here’s looking at you kid. If someone’s kid is being a brat, point it out to the parents. We should all know that bad behavior is not justifiable in any social circles and should be judged harshly by those who have no parenting obligation to said “bratty” child. If you can question the parents parenting ability and give them tips, it will definitely assist the situation.
- Tell me something interesting. Aren’t parents super boring? All that attention given to their kids, why can’t they just post food pics, makeup tutorials or cute little videos of their pugs?
Does your friend keep sharing photos of her kid with the captions “the love of my life/this kid is everything”? If so, comment on her posts with a pic of a magnum of wine and a tub of ice cream because we all know that those are the real deal. Childhood is fleeting. Wine and dairy are forever.
- I eat therefore I am. Oh my gosh, did Carol just give her kid chocolate? Call the police, that is not right! Sugar is so bad for you, why doesn’t Carol know this? What a terrible mother…and look, she’s just gone and given her kids white bread, roast potatoes and ham. HELLO! Why is she not sticking to a vegan, banting, gluten-free, paleo eating plan? She actually shouldn’t have kids if she’s not going to force her dieting issues on to them.
- Be a work of art. I’ve watched Animal Planet and I have never seen a stretch mark on a monkey. If you know a mother who has stretchmarks, she’s doing something wrong.
Can’t shift the baby weight? Just stop eating altogether. If celebrities can get back to their starting weight in one week then so can you. What’s that Carol, you’re feeling faint from not eating? Good. Don’t stop till you can walk through a palisade fence without turning sideways.
There you have it folks, some easy points to stick to when you feel the need to open your mouth. Did I miss anything?
NB: Please note that this entire post is a work of satire and should not be taken seriously. If you are taking it seriously, I suggest doing so with a G&T.