I had this whole plan that after shooting the Roses For Thorns series that I would triumphantly announce my second pregnancy and bring in the the festive season with a growing bump…sadly, just six weeks in, I had a miscarriage and our little dreams of growing our family have shuffled to the back of our minds.
On Monday 30th Oct my day started with an upset stomach and light cramping, by the afternoon there was bleeding, at 5pm we went to the A&E and were told that things looked okay but they couldn’t say for sure…we went home and by 10pm, after awful cramps and lots of blood, we knew that it was the end. A gynae appointment yesterday confirmed it though fortunately, I didn’t need to go to theater and everything still looks healthy.
How do I feel?
A little lost.
A little angry at my body and at myself for possibly doing something wrong, for pushing myself too hard.
A little relieved that it happened so early and we hadn’t seen his/her features or even heard a heartbeat.
I’m terribly exhausted and in need of a year’s worth of sleep.
Ultimately though, I’m okay. We’re both okay.
I don’t know when we’ll start trying again, I’m worried about it, what if my body fails again? The first 13 weeks of pregnancy are honestly the longest sentence of your life, never knowing what’s going on inside you and feeling every emotion possible as you just will yourself to make it through to the second trimester. We now need to go through that all over again – not forgetting the ovulation watching and the wait for my next period…do I really want to see anymore blood?
My wonderful gynae was great at easing my worries. Whilst I’m looking at ways to blame myself he reassured me that no, exercise was not the cause; no, it wasn’t the glasses of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant and it wasn’t the stress or heavy lifting I did with the shoots….but it could have been my body making the decision to terminate a pregnancy that might never have gone full term, to end it when life was not possible anyway.
Did you know, 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage and that number could be even greater as many women don’t even know they’re pregnant, they just experience a late and heavy period which they think nothing of. That’s a crazy high statistic meaning that inevitably, you will know someone that has gone through one or more miscarriages.
I’m not one for wallowing in emotion, I’m more of a “this is X and I’m now gonna do Y” so I guess this is just a post about facts…a place to actually make sense of everything and let it sink in whilst I just continue with work and the day-to-day.
For all of you who’ve been through this, I’m so sorry, you were and are enough and even if you never share your pain with anyone, you’re not alone.