5 things not to do to my baby

Next month, if she keeps to her due-date, I’m having a baby. Crazy right! And with the date looming ever closer, I have a few things that I need to get off my chest when it comes to her highness.

1. Don’t kiss her on the mouth. Too many frightful stories about people giving babies cold sores has almost got me investing in surgical masks. I just don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone outside of the incredibly small family circle to do that. My maternal instincts might take it as an attempt at smothering and I may just have to resort to some animalistic aggression.
2. Don’t pull her out of my arms. I’ve been working out, paying particular attention to my arms because I’m aware of the lifting and carrying that’s going to be happening and I want my guns to be pretty fly. The other reason for wanting to be fitter is to fend off those grabby hands that might try and enforce their way between me and my skipper – those who take her off me just after a feed, try and show me how I’m comforting her wrong, or pick her up within those precious few weeks without permission whilst coo-ing condescendingly, “I’ve done this a thousand times“. But have you been in a battle for your life with Shante Hutton a thousand times?
   I don’t really foresee it as a problem because I tattooed “back-off” on my forehead about 8 years ago and I know that most people value their faces but one should always be careful. If there is a particularly pushy family member or friend then at least I know I have the backing of Dorothy and Toto to help me.
   Why those names? Because when I hit you with one of ’em, you’ll feel like you’re following a yellow brick road to a field of poppies.
3. Don’t make any sexist comments. Baba is going to wear a lot of pink because unless she is blessed with my stupendous amount of hair and my cousin’s ridiculously long eyelashes, in all honesty, determining the sex of a baby can be a bit difficult. However, I am really loving the boys clothes in most baby shops (Cotton On Kids has such a cool line) and I’ll probably end up dressing her in stuff that’s not flouncy and full of frou-frou. This doesn’t mean I need anyone giving me “be careful, she might think she’s a boy” comments or telling me that she needs to be in pink and playing with dolls because “that’s normal”. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a pirate and I’m pretty sure that one of my best friends, even if she has a girl, will dress her as Harry Potter.
4. Don’t compare her. Yes you’ve had a baby and she slept/cried through the night and you read this book one time that said she should be eating here and getting a tooth there but you know it’s not the same. Offering advice and starting a dictatorship are two very different things.
   
5. Don’t make “jokes” about her parents in front of her. To make ourselves feel better, we often like to mock others, even those who are our close friends. Examples of unnecessary comments made to a baby can be, “finally your Dad is going to have to grow up”, “you’re so so cute, no ways you belong to your parents” or “let’s hope you don’t have some of their traits“…you get the jist. She may not be able to hear you but I can and comments like that will evidently continue throughout her life or until the end of yours.
   Okay, that’s a little harsh but seriously, think before you speak; If what you want to say is uplifting and would make you feel warm and fuzzy if you heard it then please open your mouth but if it’s a cheap dig to undermine 9 months of hard work and a lifetime of love and care then show yourself out.